"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands"
-- Paul Tripp
Yes, still waiting.
As clock keeps ticking and baby keeps growing, we reach an official week past due today… and no progression has come as of now. We just came from the doctors yesterday and apparently Elyse is very content and happy in where she is (to my honest discontentment… sigh). Almost TOO well: amniotic fluid levels are very good (looks like gushing quantity good, haha) and heart rate looks good too. Head is very low so we couldn’t get a look at the face with the ultrasound, which would have been awesome. But because she is doing so well, they want my body to kind of do this task on its own instead of setting up any kind of induction… but just in case, they have me set up for an induction next Thursday/Friday.
Yet, my honest initial feelings are:
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“Does my body actually know what to do and labor on its own?”
“Is she really as old as they think she is? Did they get the date wrong?”
“Are the doctors really doing what’s best as far as my pregnancy and inducing goes?”
“Does this girl actually exist or am I just carrying around a seven pound tumor?”
“Why haven’t I felt ANYTHING?!?!?”
From the selfish desires of ‘I can’t take being pregnant anymore—I just want this baby OUT!’ to the ‘Am I really ready to be a parent? Maybe I can wait…’, I have experienced much excitement, disappointment, doubts and heartache after all of our appointments. Yet, Elyse still has not given me any sign of her arrival into this world to rock our lives.
However, God has used this time to show me His purposes, which I have been over looking for the last couple of months as life went smoother than ever…
One thing I have realized is sometimes when life is smooth, relational interaction with God is absent. It’s not until you are ABSOLUTELY at Wits end you run to your true strength and refuge. Though it shouldn’t be this way, it’s absolutely correct. Murphy’s law I suppose…. Or God’s wonderful design ;)
These last couple of days I have been derived of sleep (which I hear is absolutely normal in this stage of pregnancy) and my peace, whether that include labor, becoming a mom, or just not having a baby. I have not been trusting God for this gift He has entrusted us to and running to Him for my trials… until now. And I understand now what David meant when he stated his flesh cries out for him, his heart FAINTS for the Lord! I have not been in such a state since I have been pregnant… and who knows why not! I HAVE SO MUCH TO CRY OUT TO GOD ABOUT! So much to give praise for… so much to give thanks for. Yet, my heart and soul would rather remain ‘stale’ than crying out for the living God and allowing my whole being to be radiant towards others because of His great love for us (Psalm 34:4-5). THUS, I am learning again how to delight in the Lord and commit my ways to him so I can further trust him and see him act with opened eyes (Psalm 37:4-5). PRAISE THE LORD FOR THE WAY HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES!
And since I am basically just counting down the days until our little Elyse’s arrival, I have been bombarded with questions I don’t even know how to answer about life ahead. Sure, I’ll find out sooner or later… but in the meantime, why not seek out some advice from the wise women who have been there and walked through this stage of life before me? Seems wise to me! So I wrote my wise wisdom and here were some of the highlights I gathered from each woman’s experience (and the responses keep coming, so as I write them, I will continue to add them as I learn more):
1. You will want to change your life and desire the world be a better place for them.
2. Your church experience becomes a different experience (sometimes having to take the audio experience later in the week rather than on Sunday)
3. You start to relate with other mothers with their screaming infant instead of looking at them with a shut-that-thing-up look.
4. You want to serve and provide for your child’s needs with everything you have, becoming more selfless than you were before.
5. Your marriage changes: it takes more work, more intention and understanding on both people’s behalf now that another little person has entered your life (and that entails all the other areas of marriage as well…)
6. You have a better perspective of God’s love for you through the unconditional love you have for your child.
7. There is joy and purpose in your work now more than ever before, even when you can’t feel it. Life takes on a new meaning for you.
8. Your routine changes: you sleep when baby sleeps and you all of a sudden become a morning person and rejoice when going to sleep early!
9. Conversation changes: for us, I am sure it will go from dog to baby now! Haha!
10. Your focus in life changes.
11. For one couple (and I am sure this will be a challenge for us too), it will be tempting to compartmentalize family and ministry instead of letting it flow together.
12. Your days become more planned (life is not as flexible), your life is not as planned and you find you have priorities than you never thought you had before. You also realize if it doesn’t get done… it’s no big deal!
13. Interaction with friends change as you now have a different, less flexible schedule due to your rapidly changing routine with baby. You have to plan it more and be more intentional there too!
14. Family relationships can deepen to a level of understanding/interaction that you didn’t have before.
These are all the wisdom tidbits I have been currently but I look forward to sharing more as I continue to receive feedback from my incredible girlfriends (thank you all!!!)
Maybe soon I too will be able to share soon how life has specifically changed for the “Wild Thornburys”!
Until then, life goes on as Andrew and I wait out our time before parenthood, learning from God what he wants us to learn about Himself and about us…. Even if the lesson merely ends up being one of patience alone. :)
Enjoy the scenic fall pictures I took this morning (yes, the autumn has hit alaska)!
We are really enjoying this season ourselves :)
Blessings! XOXO
